


BELLA IS DED.

by ddani



Series: The Misadventures of the Twilight Characters [1]
Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Deliberate Badfic, F/M, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, deaf vampire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-21
Updated: 2014-07-21
Packaged: 2018-02-09 18:31:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1993317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ddani/pseuds/ddani
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Edward becomes deaf from playing his piano too loudly, Bella finds herself bored and lonely. Jasper, seeing his opportunity, swoops in and antics ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	BELLA IS DED.

Edward was playing the piano dramatically, as he often did. It was so loud he became deaf, like Ludwig Beethoven. Bella sat expressionless, bored and horny. Why? No reason. She just always is, when she's around Edward. Her poor, deaf, glittery Edward.

She remembers the moment he lost his hearing. He was playing a rather loud, dramatic piece, when suddenly mid-note, he started key mashing on the piano. No matter how they yelled at him to stop the dreadful noise, he just key mashed away.

Finally, Carlisle slapped him across his cheek.

Edward looked up, opened his mouth, and said, “Mnehhh.”

Carlisle announced with his index finger up, “He's come down with the case of the deaf!”

Everyone gasped in horror.

From then on, Bella and Edward's relationship changed.

Over the course of the few months, Edward relearned to speak phonetically, but otherwise, he was constantly playing the piano melodramatically, while Jasper made snarky comments about it. 

One day, many weeks later Phil of the Future was playing on the TV in the background, and Bella flicked dust off her jeans.

Jasper leans over, too close for comfort, sniffing her hair. “You smell like kumquats and cotton candy,” he said seductively.

Bella scooted away, looking into his eyes with that dull, lifeless way she had.

Jasper stared intensely into her own for a few seconds. That was all it took.

Bella found herself following Jasper into the woods, going deeper, and deeper. Finally, the stopped in a clearing, and he was closer than ever before.

Bella found herself thinking, which was such a rare occurrence, that Jasper was quite attractive with his curly hair and intense eyes. Jasper was checking her out, his eyes lingering on the nape of her neck. She found her overly pale flesh reddening from the attention. Was she always cold or sick? No one will ever know.

His face was inches away from her own.

Her breathing quickened.

He leaned down closer, closer.

And kissed her. She kisses back. _It has been so long, since Edward... poor Edward._

She pulled away.

“No, I can't.”

“Why not?"

She turned away from his gaze, dramatically, placing the back of her hand on her forehead, “My poor Edward.”

“Edward is deaf. And won't fuck you.”

“I know he won't, but we'll get married and live happily ever after once I become a vampire.”

“He's never going to turn you into a vampire.”

“He will!”

“He won't!” Jasper cupped her chin in his hand firmly.

“Why not?”

“He has erectile dysfunction.”

Her mouth opened in shock. Everything began to click into place. All her advances rejected despite the claim of love.

“Did you really think a 113 year old would have a functioning penis?”

“Oh. Right.” It was then that she knew he was right. “Okay.”

The next thing she knew they kissing, hard, rolling on the wet grass. Things were getting heavy quickly. Jasper was not one to waste any time. He was sniffing her everywhere, like a hungry dog. Particularly her neck and wrists. Her body felt on fire with heat and excitement.

Clothes, both his and her's, were being ripped and thrown everywhere. What litterers!

It was awkward at first, seeing him naked in the sunlight. His body was super pale, but super fit. Why are all supernatural creatures super fit? Is there a gym membership for creatures of the night?

He straddled her body, sticking his penis in her vagina? “Wait, wait, wait a minute!” He shouted, “Why does it squeak?"

Bella shifted, stuffing her whole hand inside herself, pulling out a chew toy. "Oh, right, sorry. I forgot that was in there."

Jasper shrugged it off, thinking about attractive women to stay erect while having sexual intercourse with her. While he thrust in her, she lay still like a slab table, moaning in monotone. 

“Oh. Mm. Aah,” she droned on, and Jasper wished to rip out his ear drums. He decided to ejaculate prematurely to shut her the hell up.

After Jasper climaxed, he dismounted exhausted. And irritated. 

Bella said, as sexily as someone with a droning voice of a hundred bees, “You look pale, love.”

Jasper had enough of her shit by then. He bit into her neck, biting hard and deep, blood oozing and gushing like a fountain. It poured down her naked body. He drank it up hungrily, more satisfied by this than the sex. 

Bella thought, in her last moments, that it burned. It burned like a ring of fire...

__I fell into a burning ring of fire,  
I went down, down, down as the flames went higher  
And it burns, burns, burns,  
The ring of fire, the ring of fire.

And with her dying breath she yelled, “WORTH IT!” 

Jasper snapped her neck completely immediately after.

Edward came looking for his girlfriend later, witnessing the pale, naked glory of Bella. He kicked her waist with his foot. 

He spoke slowly, brooding obvious on his face. “Jasper. Did you kill Bella?”

Jasper shrugged, “Yeah.”

Edward laughed, slapping Jasper on the back. He was secretly glad to be rid of the annoying girlfriend. “How ded she?”

Alice popped out from a nearby tree, “HELLA!” She exclaimed.

[Sherlock theme plays]

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Everyone is out of character on purpose.  
> I am not making fun of deaf people, I am making fun of Edward himself. I was a Twihard in middle school. This is just for fun, so don't take it seriously. Bella is a dumb. Jasper noticed. Also, if you're still a Twihard, I'm not judging you! It's an entertaining series. Some of the references in here are Sherlock related, bonus points to your House for catching any of them!  
> I could easily make this a series of Bella dying in various ways, if anyone wants that.  
> Credits:  
> I don't own the Johnny Cash song, obviously.  
> Thanks to BlindBandit44 for some of the ideas. :D  
> You all should totally check her out for Sherlock fanfic glory.


End file.
